Breaking the Rules: A Rebel with Many Causes

Aloha, Reader!

Today, I'm providing you an insight into my world, from a 'rule/law-breaking perspective', guaranteed to make you laugh, especially if you knew what the past year has brought me in terms of challenging people and circumstances.

For the first 41 years of my life, despite noticing flaws in our gov't and entire network of systems/professionals (including years of employment as a financial services professional, observing lawyer and CPA's behaviors), I believed that if I did my part and aligned with similar energies (people and companies) that healthy change could be made. You could say I was asleep, because as George Carlin famously said "You'd have to be dreaming to think the American Dream is real."

As a young girl growing up in CT, I pledged daily allegiance to the flag, attended Catholic school and never 'talked back' to my parents/elders. When I was a young kid, my aunt and uncle (who were not much older than me) pressured me to steal slime from K-mart - and I felt terrible! But as a young kid in a fear-driven, chaotic household, I did it - then told my mom, when she picked me up. I got scolded (more guilt and shame - Catholic upbringings are famous for instilling these negative emotions, right?!) I laugh today, but gosh, after what I've been though in life, no one can guilt or shame me.

I wasn't the 'perfect' child - no one is! But I tried to be, mainly out of fear that I would be hit. As one form of punishment, my father would have my brother and I kneel on heater grates and we received lashes with belts on other days. Now before you go thinking "Oh, here we go.. a whining adult". No, my story /course of remedy/action is actually the opposite. I tolerated years of abuse, as I had no choice as a child. Like many other victims of severe abuse, as a protective measure, my brain disassociated from the present moment to protect itself. Additionally, I have no memories of the first 5 years of my life.

Once I moved out of my house, went to college and got some physical space away from my family, I began to work on myself/addressing childhood trauma, seeing my first therapist at age 19. However, reader, keep in mind I wasn't even working on “resolving” trauma until two years ago (I had no idea that was possible! To not have superficial weekly meetings where psychologists and psychiatrists swipe your credit card and give you exercises (haha!), but actually finding a solution, which includes deep internal peace & healing. But I'm happy to report today, it is.)

Back in the day, I labeled my surfacing feelings as: “anxiety" - (and that's the how therapists would code my diagnosis, for insurance purposes) when in fact, it was PTSD. (Oh, and “depression”, well, as I’ve recently spoken to a former therapist, I was surrounded by a$$holes and “ask”holes my entire life… which means: zapping, manipulative energy, not clinical depression.) And also keep in mind, therapists back then (early 2000s) and even many today don't have proper training on helping clients heal from childhood trauma. [Sorry, to burst the Betterhelp bubble, folks! But yeah, for over two decades, on a constant search for peace and PTSD treatment, I’ve seen a multitude of therapists (including Betterhelp.com) experiencing many approaches to this stuff and have not met many licensed professionals who are properly educated and trained on proper treatment of PTSD.] If you want to learn more on PTSD, resolving childhood trauma and mental health “myths”, consider checking out a true expert: Dr. Gabor Mate.

Moving on from this subject area and back to my main blog focus: "rule-breaking" —> I have always lived my life according to a strong set of guiding principles, which may slightly evolve over time, but my values and priorities remain the same. I've often felt my moral compass is way too good for many of the folks I've encountered! I've always chosen to follow rules/law to a tee until my last fall, when I was bombarded with a 'trauma avalanche" and could sense something was not right with the people in my life. 

After encountering a multitude of local Bay Area sketchy people and dealing with harassment and threats, beginning last fall (2023) when I decided to separate from my ex, I stood up for myself in the boldest ways I could summon, often raising my voice and using cuss words, which I had rarely done in public! By the way, when I state "sketchy", I'm not talking about the homeless folks I often gave a donation to outside Philz Coffee in Redwood City, CA. No, I'm referring to various apartment personnel, lawyers, doctors and former friendships that turned 'weird', even experiencing doxing from someone in my trusted network. If this sounds like a movie to you, yes, it has at times, felt like that to me... As I mentioned to a trauma therapist I worked with a year ago, a "traumatic romantic comedy" - hahaha! Since then, I've added more descriptive words, including "spy thriller".

My personal fight for justice (which includes fighting on behalf of my son) may include actions dubbed as unconventional & uncanny by some folks, but it’d be not hard to also argue, that my methods are also very effective, creative & witty. Along my way, I've also chosen to speak up for minorities and women, as I've done before, but on a greater magnitude. Because for about one year, I was primarily fighting my battles solo (from setting up my apartment in Oct 2023 to living in my car thru Aug 2024), I learned a way of survival few will ever experience/truly know - especially in America, as a well-educated woman. Being stripped of one's possessions and more unfortunate, having your child taken from you, especially in my case: when I offered a peaceful informal resolution in October of 2023, will do that to you. But what I decided this summer, is that everything can be taken away from me, except my indomitable spirit. 

While I don't expect a miracle (or maybe I should!) at this point, it is still a bit flooring to me how many people got away with not reimbursing me for bad service (such as Modern Family Law Firm in Palo Alto, CA), how I still receive sloppy, incorrect legal paperwork (from a prominent San Francisco law firm) presented to me and have received not clear answers/resolution on simple questions/matters. 

You'd think with a family member in the FBI, someone would have come forward by now. But then again, that's the feds! US Govt... ugh, I digress. When I met my ex in early 2000, this family member (ironically, with expertise in cyber security) asked me if I wanted me to do a background check on him... twice... and I declined. Darn, should have taken him up on it? Maybe it would have saved me some trouble, haha! However, here we are present day and all experiences got us here. No use looking back to 'What if I did this or that?' scenarios! Plus, I'm confident this house of cards will collapse SOON, just like the 2008 housing collapse. If you study numbers and can make solid predictions, like myself, you'll be able to devise that when my justice comes, so will many others. It's just a matter of time! And one year ago, as I quipped with a trauma therapist, after he nodded "Fair Enough" to me after I confessed my tiny rule breaks… that my patience is that of a 200-foot tsunami. These days? Well, gosh, my patience is probably closer to 1,000 feet!

With 2025 just around the corner, I look forward to a fresh year start. While this year has provided me plenty of insight and writer's materials, I do sense a better year is ahead - not just for me, but for many! 

With Aloha,

Heidi